Lincoln Chose Broadswords

Being surrounded by nothing but woods becomes a bit overwhelming if you've never done it before. There were parts of the drive up north where we'd crest a hill and suddenly there'd be just like TREES as far as you could see. It was beautiful, but behind it there was this part of me - the part that is so damn integrated with the comforts of modern day living - that couldn't stop focusing on how possible it would be to get lost in there.

But in all seriousness, it was a beautiful trip. Here are some photos.

( They Are Big because I am Lazy )

Also that dress I ordered? Well here's that:


May's been a good month. Got some deep cleaning done on my teeth so my mouth is on it's way to being healthy again. Been working on jogging, and while I was on vacation I hit the treadmill and did a 5K in 35:15 which felt pretty boss. Also the other day I found a turtle in the middle of the road during my jog, so he got to accompany me for most of my job until I reached a pond to put him in. Later on that same jog, another jogger was running by me in the opposite direction. Referencing my vibrams, he said "you should try the real thing sometime!" Lo and behold, I look down, and the guy is legit barefoot. It was a cool moment.

I think I'm ready to be a zombie and chase people now. I love how this weekend I get to dress up nice, and next weekend I'm essentially going to be destroying some clothes with fake blood and mud. This is my life. Bring it on.

North shore tomorrow. I'm pretty pumped. I'ma get my lake-view jacuzzi on and Chris and I are gonna put those little sponge-dinosaur-capsule thingies in there and I AM A CHILD.

I was reading reviews on our lodging and one person mentioned that said lake-view jacuzzi was not very private - basically claiming that neighbors could see into the window. WELL. Some bitches gonna be seeing me naked because I paid for that damn jacuzzi AND the sponge-dinosaur-capsule thingies and I'll be damned if I ain't making use of both.

Really though, it's gonna be like in the 60's up there (while 70's-80's down here) but I see no reason to not be either naked or in my swimsuit the entire trip. ...Unless I hike into the woods and there are ticks, I guess.

I was gonna write more, but then Chris came home and I showered and I need to try to sleep so I can drive on the morrow. Woo North Shore!

Well, Robert Downey Jr. makes me into a big creep. But hey, I knew that before going into the Avengers. Also, dude, Hulk fucking stole the show and it was incredi-awesome. Great movie - bless you, Joss Whedon, you are truly the king of the geeks.

Speaking of geeks, I'm all set and registered for CONvergence under the name "Muds McGee." Chris is "B-Rizzle", and if you want my confessional on this they are the nicknames derived from our World of Warcraft names - so how's THAT for geeky? It's that season where I start getting excited about it. Granted, I feel the "super women" theme is a little lame, but I'm a GIRL so does that shame me from my fellow feminists?

I thought for a time that I would pull out the Midna costume again this year, but after much reflection, I decided against it. The attention was nice, but I don't thrive off of it, and I couldn't go anywhere without getting stopped to get my picture taken, or receive a (not necessarily welcome) hug, or answer questions. Again - very flattering, but non-conducive to walking around with friends and drinking. I'm running through costume ideas in my head - simple ones. Mostly I think I'm gonna try to be Joan of Arc from Clone High. We're both obsessed with Abraham Lincoln so I feel like it would work out. Not that I think anyone would recognize it, but that doesn't bother me. Remember? Not doing this for attention?

Along the lines of "dressing up", Molly and Anthony's wedding is coming up in a couple weeks. It's a "rockabilly" themed wedding, which bummed me out because that is so not my jam. So I bought this dress -


Because A) I think I can use accessories like pearls and a hair ribbon to keep it in theme and B) I wanted to make sure if I was spending money on a damn dress that I'd want to wear it again. We'll see how it works. If it doesn't look good, I get my money back and I wear one of my other dresses to the wedding and fuck the theme. Win-win!

Other than that, not much news. Next week is our North Shore vacation so I'm looking forward to that. I reckon I should get up and eat breakfast now - Abe just makes the bed so cozy. I feel so bad that I don't spend enough nights here. But hey, three more months, and I'll get to see him every day. I'm excited. Hmm, maybe I should burrow around my packing bins a bit. It's alway like Christmas when I do that shit.

Didn't quite realize that I had gotten this far into April without making an update here.

So I survived Chicago and the following weekend Chris, Joey, and I migrated down to Iowa for Easter. That trip was a lot more relaxed than the Chicago one... Though I did ride in a cab alone for the first time and didn't die, so yay! Iowa was pretty typical, save for the trip we made to Fong's Pizza because holy shit, Crab Rangoon Pizza is maybe the best idea ever.

With the advent of that, once we returned to Minnesota I hit the fitness routing hard. I'm now jogging 3.75 miles every other day or so (weather permitting) and I'm keeping up a pretty good pace (4.7-5 mph) considering how I used to suck at jogging outside pretty hard. I've been proud of my fitness achievements, refined my willpower and I've been alcohol and junk food free for two weeks now. Lost 10 lbs, and an inch off my waistline, and I'ma be so ready for the zombie 5k.

As May approaches, Chris and I semi-impulse booked a couple night's stay at a lovely hotel on the North Shore. We're going to head up to the International Wolf Center and then travel to the lake to chill out for two nights. I've never been any further north in Minnesota than like... Blaine, so I'm excited to see all the natures that I for some reason expected to be here when I moved to the twin cities.

It's funny how much I've garnered a sense of "home" in Minnesota over the last year. I'm sure the gentle winter helped me "warm up" (hur hur!) to the idea, but that was really just a bonus to the realization that this is where the people I love are. Lindsay seems content to stay here, not to mention she lives super close to my work now. And Chris I'm pretty sure is always going to be a Minnesota boy - his pride in turn makes me proud. The last couple trips we've returned from really felt like coming back home. If I may be candid (...on the internet), Chris and I have discussed moving in together this fall. I think we're ready for it, considering I'm over here 6 nights out of 7 anyways. This will be my second time living with a boyfriend, and while my past experience has me a little nervous, I know that this is different. Chris is different. I don't think there's anyone in the world quite like him. Sometimes that's a frustrating thing, but most times it's pretty tits-awesome.

Well, I'm on day 3 of K=Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, so now that I've digested my oatmeal I best get to it. Cheers.

Woke up at 8:30 this morning, checked the weather, saw that it was only 40 degrees outside, and told Chris I'd rather just have the time in bed with him. Not exciting, but worth it. We circulated each others heats until his mom made him get up. Once he left I took a shower with some music turned up and now I'm camped out in the window of our hotel waiting for my aunt to get here. Honestly, if we had the bedroom (as opposed to the couch) I would set up a mess of pillows and sheets in this window space and just sleep here, 18 stories up and wake up to the city. The Sears Tower is a scant three blocks down from here and I can see it.

I've never been a city girl. The amount of people and reported "dangers" of such make me nervous. The only grass I see is from what looks like a strange garden on the top of the Apple Store. Driving here is a nightmare, and walking does not lend well to one who is used to being able to dart across intersections and trusting people in cars will stop. Instead I tend to rely on the herds of people I find myself in - they move I move, so on so on.

Wouldn't want to live here, but it's a beautiful city. I do feel a certain liberty to just wander about, but I'm so content with my perch here. I wonder when I am 45 will I still be inclined to give into the whimsy of an unconventional seating arrangement? Do all adults just start to lose themselves as they get older, or do I just know some really bland adults? Bah.

I've yet to decide what's in store for my aunt and I today. I wonder if it's too chilly to wander about by the lake, but I'd like to think Minnesota has hardened me to being outside in chillier weather. Key is to just not resist it.

Huh, another guest in a hotel across the street is looking out their window. I waved and they waved back. I'm not sure if this is awkward or not, as I am not wearing... well, pants. Laptop's on my lap though so it's not like I'm being a hussy. But they're making it weird by not going away. Oh fantastic, there's two of them now. Damn my friggin' "free spirit" ways that I would sit here in this window in my underpants. Damn if I'm gonna move though. I like it here, dammit.

Well, I'll post more about my stubbornness later, it may be time to seek out a snack before it's time to head out.

We've achieved a lot today. Headed out at 6 AM, got into town around 1 PM, checked into the hotel, ate lunch at our hotel's Chicago counterpart, attended day one of Roma's book event thing, came back, went to the aquarium for 3 hours, came back, got tipsy at the bar, walked around, aaaand bed.

Busy damn day. Some miscommunications happened on everyone's end about our expectations for this trip. ...Mainly Roma pretty much expects Chris to come with her for all days of this book tour thing - which is a major bummer in the sense that on both Saturday and Sunday the event occurs smack dab in the middle of the day so we can't get much done. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my aunt, which is nice but I'm sad that Chris doesn't get to be with me. We've had to kind of accept that we're here under Roma's dollar and time so it's just not *our* vacation like we assumed it'd be. Ah well, at least we have Iowa next weekend, and then our north woods trip in May. And Zombie 5K in June and CONvergence in July and I really seem to just love the fuck out of April-July.

Anyways, about the whole drinking at the bar thing. Chris and I encountered a rather odd interaction between the couple next to us. It was obvious they were meeting for the first time so we thought it was a first date from an online service sort of thing. We were trying to eavesdrop (Chris and I are creepy) But it became apparent that the man involved had a room in the hotel and eventually the girl got up and approached a different man sitting at the bar - someone she clearly knew. She handed him what I think was a $20 bill, and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Then she and the first guy left the bar, and a few minutes later the second fellow followed. A few minutes more, and the girl came back, alone, and sat at the table for about 10 minutes before leaving.

It was totes weird. Chris and I have speculated about it since then... because we're creepy. And then I accidentally wandered into the men's restroom. After becoming alarmed at the sight of urinals, I wheeled around and almost ran into a guy coming in, and I said something like "Oh my god that's the men's room that's awkward!" and laughed myself silly into the proper restroom. My life, everyone, there you have it.

It's a tad odd, being back here. Granted, Yevgeny and I never ventured into the city that much but I've passed a few memories and it's a tad surreal. Chris hasn't been back in many many years, and is undergoing his own weird feelings of nostalgia. Tomorrow it's our aim to wake up early before he and his mother have to go to the book thing and maybe walk to Millennium Park as we're quite near it. Still not sure what I'm going to do with Aunt Gigi, but ideally the weather will be nice and we'll get to go walk around. At least Chris gets to meet up with us in the evening for an improv show.

The hotel itself is quite nice, certainly up there in terms of "four diamond" standards, I suppose. Chris and I tried to check out the pool but it was 9PM and like 7 kids were in there screaming and I just mouthed to Chris "not a fucking chance" and we ran out. I'm glad he shares my mentality towards kids - it makes things a lot easier and it's just an ever prevailing reminder that Chris and I keep winding up on the same page with each other. I love the fuck out of this boy.

It's been a long day, and tomorrow gets to be long too. Best off to bed with me. Luckily the sleeper sofa isn't too bad, hur hur hur.

Dear Boobs,

It's been an interesting journey that we've put ourselves through. Ever since undergoing the surgery to make you smaller, we've shared a peaceful coexistence - one where I do not resent you or blame you for a lack of self confidence. There is not one ounce of me that regrets this, save for this particular moment, as I sit here in my new swimsuit lamenting the lack of boobs to properly fill the damn thing out.

Please don't get me wrong, boobs. I do not feel inaccurate over the lack of space you are taking up in this rather pretty swimsuit. I am very proud to not have a sizeable chest. But while my waist has gotten smaller from all the running I've been doing, I've dubbed it necessary to select the size that would accommodate my "baby makin" hips so this has to be the suit we go with. Aside from the fact that you lack the presence fully celebrate the thing, it is otherwise cozy and adorable.

Now help me get my legs tan in this swimsuit by not looking too awkward.

Yours Always,

Jade

I think yesterday I worried about every little thing I possibly could about my life. One at a time. With small recovery periods in between.

It was stupid. I worried about my living situation, my cats, my dental health, what size of swimsuit to try to buy online, my money... and some of them got revisited a few times.

I can't quite pin down why I've allowed myself to become so upset with things lately. It's like there was a time limit inside my brain as to how long I could exist happy and suddenly I decided that everything that I could possibly be disgruntled about suddenly has to come under scrutiny. And I wonder if this is my quarter-life crisis speaking. It's this nasty notion that just because I'm approaching 26, I need to start doing things that society deems the right thing for me to be doing. And yet... just *when* is one considered an adult anyways? I don't mean legally, I just mean at what point are you officially responsible enough to take on that role?

This has started becoming a trend in my journal I guess, talking about this whole "adult" concept and I suppose that's only further evidence that mayhaps a quarter-life crisis is ever impending. By the end of the night things kind of got wrangled back in order and I can only bless Chris a dozen times for putting up with my erratic behavior.

So, anyways, I ordered the damn swimsuit and I'm gonna call a dentist today and gotta call and set up Sadie's stay at the borders because Chris and I have just added a trip to the upcoming months and it involves the North woods and as always, life is never as bad as my mind makes it out to be sometimes. But man, being 26 is gonna be weird.

Well... apartment hunting is on hiatus until it stops making me crazy. I have to evaluate my priorities and I keep needing to remind myself that I have the luxury of time on the whole thing. For the next few months I just need to enjoy actually having money, because there are THINGS coming up.

Headed to Chicago at the end of March with Chris and his mother. Going to get to visit my aunt and hit up the Shedd and the Field so I'm pretty pumped about all that. Oddly enough a tad anxious too, just because it'll be the first time I've returned since Yevgeny and I were dating and that's weird. Chris too hasn't been back there since he was dating in the area and so I think both of us are excited to create new memories there together. It's not that I need to overwrite the old ones, but I do need to stop feeling anxiety over the concept of going back. All things considered it'll be obviously different. Chris' mom got this two-room suite to stay in within downtown, so that will be an experience I'm sure. I've only ever stayed in a downtown Chicago hotel once, and it was a hole in the wall in the middle of the gayborhood and Joey and I had a super awesome time. Nothing near as plush as the one we'll be at in a couple weeks... but hey, I could use some niceties.

Almost immediately following that we're headed to Iowa for Easter. Gonna meet my mom's new boyfriend, Keith, so I'm excited for that. It's been amazing seeing her so much happier. Not a whole lot of specific plans for the trip, but the weather's been so balls-amazing that I'm sure Chris and I will get into something. I definitely have to get air in my bike tires so that I may start biking to work again. Weather's been too nice not to.

Then May brings us a wedding to attend and June carries the zombie 5k. I'm a day shy of being half way through the couch to 5K program and I surprised myself tonight by not being worn out afterwards at all. Dan has been a really awesome gym buddy and I'm working hard towards going to the gym 15-20 times this month. I'm actually almost there, and a lot of it's because Dan's been holding me accountable, which is pretty cool. On the exciting fitness front, I have this *line* on my stomach suggesting that beneath mine extra pounds I have like... abs or something. I know, it sounds totally vapid but I'm rather pumped about it.

It seems like things feel so busy, but they really aren't. I need to work in more moving into my daily routine and I'm sure I'll only be more motivated once things start getting green again. Now I just gotta wait for a thunderstorm. I sure do miss those.

http://www.thesunmagazine.org/archives/2192?page=1

A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and it shoved me into a sadder space than I could have anticipated.

Loss is the main theme, and the ever perpetual notion that there may be people in your life who without them, you feel you would die.

As is the selfish and obvious reaction, I think about the people in my life to which that would apply, and now I am sitting in Chris' den quietly sobbing and hoping he won't hear. After I finished reading it, I went into the living room and hugged him so tightly and he hugged back and neither of us could breath for a moment. I didn't tell him I was sad. I didn't tell him that losing him would make me feel like I would die. It was enough.

Then I came back in here and sat and sent Lindsay a text and that's when I started crying.

Things like this article, they're not meant to inspire fear, but it is a random consequence. I say it all too often, but I'm so lucky, and for the most part that's all I focus on. I shove unpleasant thoughts like the ones conjured by sad stories away and I continue loving and living my life. This time the fear just broke through, I guess. It's not a bad thing that it did.

...But damn.